vittles n (akin to VICTUALS) : food usable by man

 INTRODUCTION:

Being able to prepare palatable vittles does not require a great deal of skill, provided one has the necessary ingredients (and some idea of what one is doing). You will not always have someone to prepare your meals for you, and there are times that you’d rather eat something other than cold ravioli out of a can. This section will provide simple instructions for preparing a variety of vittles.

     These recipes come from a variety of sources. Some are very good, whereas others (particularly a few of the sandwiches) might seem unpalatable. All have been highly recommended to us (although we may not always be in complete agreement). Be advised, not all of these recipes could be considered as "healthful."

     Specific details of the culinary process (such as measurements and temperatures) can vary greatly due to the amount of food being prepared, as well as individual preference. Due to this fact, some details may have been omitted.

CONDIMENTS :

Any good kitchen should have an assortment of spices and sauces on hand to enhance (or conceal) the flavor of various foodstuffs. For example, with enough hot sauce or ketchup, one can eat nearly anything.

     You should always have at least two bottles of ketchup (small to medium sized) available. Have at least two kinds of hot sauce as well (but avoid Tabasco, because it tastes nasty; and if you must have a bottle of habanero pepper sauce, be sure to only use a few drops). Gourmet spice mixes are also good to have on hand, and come in many varieties (Dinosaur Brand spices, spice mixtures formulated by various famous chefs, and Goya Adobo w/ pepper are all recommended). If you’ve accidentally dumped in too many hot spices, a little bit of honey, maple syrup, or molasses will cut the burn.

     Furthermore, you should also have: freshly ground black pepper, crushed red pepper, horseradish, mayonnaise, good quality mustard, Thousand Island salad dressing, premium salsa, olive oil, apple cider vinegar, fresh organic garlic, onions, and the best barbeque sauce you can find.

Condiments are very important. They can make awful food edible, bland food good, and good food excellent. Be sure to have a wide assortment on hand.

Coffee is an essential part of many people’s day. It helps to get us started in the morning, and gives us an additional boost when we need it. However, excessive coffee drinking can contribute to gastrointestinal, urinary tract, and nervous disorders, so it should only be drunk in moderation. 

     Never buy cheap tinned coffee — it’s nasty and it wreaks havoc on one’s insides. Flavored coffees are usually artificially flavored, and should also be avoided. Most non-dairy creamers are composed primarily of vegetable oil, and are artificially flavored as well. People who drink convenience store "pushbutton cappuccino," or heat up instant coffee in the microwave, truly do not give a shit about what they put into their bodies.

     The secret of good coffee is twofold: First, make sure that you only brew good quality coffee; and second, ascertain that your coffeemaker has recently been cleaned (this is best done by running a pot of white vinegar through it, followed by two pots of water and a thorough wipedown). Furthermore, I recommend that one always use unbleached filters (for several good reasons).

     Opinions vary greatly as to what constitutes "good quality" coffee. Let me state that expensive gourmet beans are nice, but unnecessary. Freshly ground organic beans are recommended, but if you lack a grinder and the coffee shop is closed, you can always resort to a bag of Starbuck’s ground "House Blend."

     Not everyone likes full strength coffee (and the strength of different types varies greatly), and for those people, simply adding 8 cups of water to 6 tablespoons of ground coffee is usually sufficient.

     If you like flavored coffee, after placing the ground coffee within the filter-lined basket, you could then pour in a bit of almond (or vanilla) extract and dump some ground cinnamon on top, before closing it up and hitting the power switch (if you use a lot of cinnamon, it should be sprinkled directly into the empty coffeepot rather than on top of the grounds, to prevent it from clogging the filter and impeding proper drainage; alternatively, broken cinnamon sticks could be utilized).

     I recommend that one only pour hot coffee into glass or ceramic mugs (although exceptions must be made for transport), but never styrofoam cups. If you like to add cream to your coffee, use organic light cream — not 2% milk! If you like to add sugar, I recommend that you use either natural cane sugar (dehydrated cane juice) or turbinado sugar (sugar in the raw) for this purpose. Coffee is "bad for you," and should only be drank sparingly, so why not enjoy it to the fullest?

Instant oatmeal is nasty, but it is also very convenient. Sometimes I like to have a bowl of oatmeal, instead of my usual energy shake, on a cold winter morning. What I sometimes do is empty 2 or 3 packets of Quaker Apple & Cinnamon Instant Oatmeal (one of the few which is not artificially flavored) into a glass bowl and add a small amount (about a third of a cup) of boiling water, in order to turn it into a warm paste. Next, I dump in a small amount (about 2 tablespoons) of light cream, and a bit (approx. 1 tablespoon) of pure maple syrup (never the fake stuff), mixing it all up and gobbling it down while the car’s warming up. It’s important to have something (like coffee or spring water) handy to wash it down with. It’s not bad. (Honey can be substituted for maple syrup, if desired).

Most store-bought yogurt is crap. If it’s not poisoned with artificial flavors and Nutrasweet, it’s loaded up with sugar, and almost invariably has dead organisms. Stonyfield Farm probably offers the best quality yogurt commercially available, but you have to eat at least two of them because they come in such tiny cups. If you want good yogurt, you have to do a little work.

     First, purchase a 32 oz tub of Stonyfield Farm plain, organic, whole milk yogurt. You require a bit of fat in your diet to maintain good health, and organic pre-digested yogurt is a good alternative to seafood, avocados, olives, cashews, and flax seed oil. Next, obtain a jar of buckwheat honey. Honey contains a lot of nutrients, and buckwheat honey contains far more than any other variety. Honey also releases its sugars into the bloodstream very slowly, so it’ll release energy for hours without giving you a "sugar rush" (and subsequent crash). If you cannot obtain buckwheat honey, get the darkest raw honey you can find. Golden clover honey contains far fewer nutrients, and should be avoided.

     The tub will be nearly full, so spoon your first serving of yogurt into a bowl, leaving the tub open. Next, dump a quantity (about half a cup) of honey into the tub, then drizzle some over what you have in the bowl. Stir both thoroughly with a long spoon, then put the lid back on the tub and replace in the refrigerator. If desired, you can sprinkle unsalted cashews or fresh blueberries over the yogurt in your bowl and stir them in.

CHIPS:

Chips are an incredibly easy snack to put out for company (or munch by yourself), yet tearing open a bag of cheesy-poofs or dumping out a can of Pringles can make certain snooty types look down their noses at you. If you want to impress your guests, it is important to: 1.) Be selective with your assortment of chips, 2.) Present the chips properly (in bowls), and 3.) Provide dips.

     Blue corn chips are always a good choice (particularly the Organic Sesame Blues from "Garden of Eatin’"), as are red corn chips and "chili-lime" corn chips. For unusually runny dips, Tostito Scoops are unexcelled. Each bag of chips should be dumped into individual bowls, and refilled as they become empty (after first dumping the loose chip fragments into the dog’s dish).

     Suitable dips include: salsa ("Green Mountain Gringo" Fire Roasted Garlic is a favorite), cheese dip ("Arriba!" mild is an excellent choice), bean dip (be sure to get the good stuff), and hummus (make sure that it is made with olive oil — not "canola" oil). If you are talented, you could prepare your own guacamole or baba ghanouj (do not purchase these prepackaged from the supermarket or you’ll be sorely disappointed). Various "ranch," "dill," and other sour cream based dips should be avoided unless you’re serving a platter of raw veggies.

     Along with an assortment of chips and dips, a large bowl of homemade popcorn (drenched with butter and seasonings) should be put out, as well as a bowl of nuts (deluxe mixed or unsalted cashews). Cheese and crackers or assorted chocolates are also an option. Food can make a big impression, so don’t cheap out and serve your guests crap.

Nachos are easy to make. Simply dump a bag of tortilla chips on a cookie tray, empty a bag of shredded montery jack on top, and put the tray in the oven (pre-heated to 350 degrees) for about ten minutes. After removing the nachos, they can be individually dunked in a bowl of salsa prior to eating. Have a bit of sour cream on the side if you’ve elected to go for one of the hotter salsas (beer will not drown the burn, but sour cream will).

     For better quality nachos, use round white corn tortilla chips (unsalted, if available), selecting the flattest ones and setting aside any halves or broken pieces (which can be used as a casserole topping or fed to the dog). Spread the chips evenly on a foil-covered cookie sheet. Cut a half-pound block of montery jack cheese (regular or pepper jack) into 1/4" slices, placing a single slice atop each chip. If desired, a single jalapeno ring (and possibly a clove of hot marinated garlic) can be placed atop the cheese. Bake at 350 for about ten minutes.

     Premium salsa is recommended, rather than the watery and flavorless generic crap. Good choices would include (but by no means be limited to): Green Mountain Gringo’s "Fire Roasted Garlic" salsa, Newman’s Own "Pineapple Salsa," or anything made by Seeds of Change. If you are making nachos in bulk, be advised to have at least two different kinds of salsa on hand (and if your guests are civilized, you should place the salsas in wide bowls with serving spoons). Be sure to have plenty of sour cream on hand (and if you feel like it, toss a handful of freshly chopped scallions on top). If you want to turn your nachos into a meal, make a big bowl of the special refried bean filling described in the recipe for burritos. If you want to go all out (and you have a good recipe), you can make your own guacamole (never buy the "guacamole dip" sold in plastic tubs at the grocery store) — just be aware that many people (mostly communists) will look askance at "that slimy green stuff," and refuse to even try it!

     Nachos are considered by most experts to be the "Ultimate Party Snack."

It is not too difficult to prepare edible spaghetti, linguine, ziti, or any of the various pasta shapes (wheels, bows, spirals, ruffles, shells, etc. — even elbow macaroni can work in a pinch), although you can easily ruin it if you fail to pay close attention to what you’re doing.

     First, you need to obtain a large cooking pot, a colander (preferably one which fits inside the pot), and a saucepan. Fill the pot about 3/4 full of water, then add a bit (about a half-teaspoon) of salt and a dollop (about a teaspoon) of olive oil before setting the water to boiling. When the water is at a full rolling boil, dump in the pasta and reduce heat slightly. The pasta should be fully cooked in under 10 minutes (check it frequently after 7 minutes have passed by pulling out a single strand and testing it) — take care not to overcook it.

     While the pasta is boiling, open up a jar of good quality sauce (Classico is the brand I usually buy — always read the ingredients, and never buy a sauce which contains canola oil or artificial flavoring) and dump it in the saucepan. Turn the burner to "low" and stir occasionally with a wooden spoon. If desired, you can add additional spices, garlic, chopped vegetables, shredded cheese, or a bit of red wine to the sauce as it cooks (this will significantly improve the flavor). If you have the heat turned up too high, or fail to stir it, the sauce will burn to the bottom of the pan.

     Once the pasta is cooked, immediately turn off the heat under both the pot and the saucepan, then use the colander to drain the water from the pasta. Use a spaghetti fork to transfer the pasta to individual plates (or you could always use your hands), then use a ladle to pour sauce over each pile of noodles (or you could just dump it right out of the saucepan). If desired, shredded parmesan cheese can be sprinkled atop the sauce while it is still hot enough to melt it (never use the dried out stuff in the cardboard can). I like to then shake some crushed red pepper on before stirring it up and mowing down.

With ready-made shells, jarred sauce, and bags of shredded cheese readily available at any supermarket, pizza is one of the quickest and easiest meals you can put together. In order to make enough pizza for three hungry people (or six wussies), you will need to obtain the following items:

2 pizza pans

1 good quality pizza cutter (the bigger, the better)

2 pizza shells (Olivieri brand is best, as they use neither canola oil nor casein)

2 bags of shredded "Pizza Blend" cheese

1 jar of Ragu "Pizza Quick" sauce

     Assorted toppings (may include: onions, fresh chopped garlic, colored bell peppers, sliced portabella mushrooms, sliced black olives, pineapple chunks, broccoli, sliced summer squash, sliced tomato, chopped anchovies, or fresh cooked salad shrimp)

     First, place the shells onto the pans and evenly spread a half-jar of sauce over each (the back of a tablespoon works good for this. If you want to add garlic or oregano, place it atop the layer of sauce.

     Next, dump a full bag of shredded cheese atop each shell, spreading it evenly. After which, you may place whatever toppings you like however you see fit to arrange them (placing toppings beneath the cheese layer can allow excessive moisture to be trapped, resulting in a soggy pizza).

     Generally speaking, pizzas can be cooked for exactly 15 minutes in an oven pre-heated to about 425 degrees. I would advise you to then immediately remove the pans (using oven mitts and placing them atop a heat resistant surface) and let the pizzas sit for about 10 minutes before slicing them into quarters (or eighths, if serving wussies).

It really pisses me off when I go to a restaurant and they put a bowl of wilted iceberg lettuce in front of me with a cherry tomato, two slices of cucumber, and a few croutons and they say, "Here’s your salad." Unfortunately, this is the extent of most people’s experience with salad, and I can understand if you might be a bit prejudicial about the matter.

     What many folks do not realize is that a properly made salad can be one of the tastiest, most nutritious, and easiest meals a person can make. All you need is a big bowl (preferably wooden), a cutting board, a big sharp knife, and whatever ingredients you want to include.

     There are two keys to a good salad: good lettuce and a variety of tastes & textures. In order to obtain good lettuce, I recommend buying one of those small bags of "salad mix." Avoid your basic "iceberg, radicchio, and carrot peelings" in a bag, and go for something organic or exotic. One of my personal favorites is Noreast Fresh’s "Spring Mix," which "may include the following": mizuna, red chard, tat-soi, frisee, tango, lollo-rosa, red romaine, green romaine, baby spinach, radicchio, red oak, green oak. It costs about two bucks for a 5 oz bag, and is well worth it! Whatever kind of bagged greens you decide to purchase, be sure to inspect them carefully (particularly at the bottom of the bag) for wiltage or slime.

     In order to incorporate a variety of tastes & textures into your salad, I recommend that you add at least a half-dozen ingredients to your greens. What ingredients you choose is entirely dependant upon personal preference. Ingredients that I have utilized in the past include: sprouts (radish, broccoli, or "crunchy"), onions (red or vidalia, cut into slices, then quartered and separated, discarding the tough outer layers), bell pepper (yellow is my personal preference, although red will work as well, cut into slices then quartered), carrot (either cut into thin slices or obtained in "matchstick" form, then chopped), broccoli crown (the topmost part can be separated into "florettes" or chopped into small pieces, discarding the remainder), radishes (either cut into thin slices or diced), cheese (dill Havarti or super-sharp cheddar, cut into small chunks), bacon (thick-sliced slab bacon broken into small pieces), hard-boiled egg (diced — it’ll just fall apart anyway), mushrooms (standard sliced mushrooms cut in halves work well, but portabella slices can be diced and used instead), apple (macintosh is a good choice, peeled and cut into small chunks), avocado (peeled and cut into medium-sized chunks), black olives (your favorite variety of fresh jumbo olives, de-seeded and quartered), pickled beet slices (just a few, cut into small chunks), chick peas (AKA garbanzo beans — left whole), garlic (a fresh organic garlic clove, cut into paper-thin slivers), and unsalted cashews (quartered). Now that’s a salad! You may note that I neglected to include tomatoes, cucumber, croutons, or hot peppers. That is due to my own personal preference, and the facts that: tomatoes fall apart, I do not like "cherry tomatoes," cucumber is bland and slimy, croutons annoy me, and hot peppers overpower the salad’s flavor.

     When assembling your salad, I recommend that you first ascertain that both your hands and the bowl are clean. Some people recommend that one rub garlic against the wood of the empty salad bowl, then drizzle in a small amount of extra-virgin olive oil to coat it, but it has been my experience that this procedure does not result in a noticeable difference. I strongly urge you to prepare your ingredients first, then dump them in the bowl before adding the greens, as it will be difficult to mix up the salad properly otherwise. Once your ingredients have been measured, added, and mixed thoroughly (use your hands for this — salad utensils are only for the benefit of one’s guests), dump half your bag of greens on top (picking out any bits which appear wilted) and mix again. When the greens have been properly mixed, add the remainder of the bag and mix again. The salad is now ready for presentation.

     Salad tongs may be used to serve the salad into smaller bowls, after which individual guests may add their own preference of dressing. Dressing selection is of the upmost importance! Do not be tempted to just grab a few bottles off the shelf without looking at them. If you provide inferior quality dressing, your salad will suffer greatly. Be sure to read the ingredients and discard any that include canola oil (even if olive or soybean oil is "also included"). If you want a selection, I’d recommend one bottle of Italian, one bottle of something exotic (like sesame ginger), and something thick and creamy (a jar of Marie’s blue cheese orThousand Island dressing is excellent in this capacity). If your worthless guests are on a diet, tell them to bring their own damn dressing.

     Leftovers are good for a day or so, and can be transported to work in a Tupperware container. You can even smear a hoagie roll with mayonnaise and make a vegetarian sub — salad rules!

This is a real easy one, and probably one of your best choices if you’ve got ten minutes or so to spare.

2.) Open the can with a clean can-opener (can you say "botulism"?), dumping the contents into a saucepan. Heat on the stove top (or, if that is not possible, in a toaster oven), stirring occasionally until sufficiently warmed through. DO NOT PUT YOUR SOUP IN THE MICROWAVE!!! (The Soviets have concluded that thermal microwave radiation really fucks up the molecular structure of your food, creating toxic compounds and destroying its nutritional value. This seems to confirm my brother’s bizarre admonishment not to use the microwave because "it turns yer food all backwards, and shit!)

3.) Eat yer chow right out of the pan (with the proper spoon, of course), rinsing it out thoroughly in the sink immediately afterwards (otherwise it’ll be a real bitch to scrub clean).

This was submitted by one of our British correspondents, and we decided to include it due to the fact that rising unemployment and a declining economy might soon necessitate that some of us start subsisting off of .25 cent cans of beans!

Burritos and burgers are great, but they’re messy as hell. Paper napkins often prove inadequate, and your old lady would shit if you broke out the good linens. What I have found useful is to obtain a quantity of small towels ($2 each at Wal-Mart) for use as napkins — they work great!

     Another thing, even if you’re not a drinker, it’s important to have a lot of cold beer on hand. My personal preference is for Guinness Pub Drafts in the tall black cans (avoid the bottled "extra-stout," as it is rather bitter). Guinness stout is one of the few beers commonly available that has any significant nutritional value. If a freezer is handy, you can fill it with wet glass mugs, as Guinness should be poured rather than drunk directly from the can. If you are eating burritos or burgers, you need to have at least one beer to properly "complement" the meal.

Burritos are fairly easy to prepare, and nearly impossible to ruin. They are a good choice for someone who doesn’t know how to cook. A lot of people like to stuff their burritos with ground beef, but I don’t like ‘em that way. Other people like to stuff them full of chicken or shrimp, which is excellent, but transforms it from a burrito to a fajita (which requires a certain amount of skill to prepare properly). For the purposes of this project, I shall only address the humble bean burrito.

     First, the necessary tools and ingredients must be assembled. They include:

A large table on which to work

A large cutting board

A big skillet

A big sharp knife

A wooden spoon

2 cans of Old El Paso Refried Beans w/ green chiles

A package of wraps (I prefer the "Boghosian Valley Bread" roll-ups)

A bag of shredded montery jack cheese

A jar of salsa (Green Mountain Gringo and Seeds of Change are both excellent brands)

A container of sour cream

A small can of sliced black olives

Assorted vegetables (colored bell peppers, onion, tomato, lettuce, and avocado are all good choices)

     First, place the various vegetables on the cutting board and chop the hell out of them with the knife — be careful not to slice off a fingertip whilst doing so. If desired, you can place each pile of chopped vegetables on individual plates.

     Open up the cans of beans (and olives) with a clean can opener, and dump them in the skillet. Mix half the jar of salsa and half the bag of cheese into the beans, then begin to simmer it over a low flame, stirring frequently. If desired, you can add some chopped onions, peppers, and olives to this mixture. When the mix is thoroughly heated through (the cheese will be melted), turn off the flame.

     Place a wrap on each person’s plate and allow them to serve themselves — it’s hilarious to watch the stupid bastards overfill their burritos and dump beans all down the front of themselves! If, however, you want to be polite, you should prepare the burritos yourself.

     There is no "proper way" to roll a burrito, so you’re on your own here. What I usually do is first fold the bottom up, then fold over either side, leaving the top open. "Professionals" have a special way of tucking in the wrap on either end to seal it, although I could never get it right. Other people simply start at one end and roll it up in one direction, not even bothering to seal the bottom! Many people like to cut their burrito in half, which will greatly reduce the mess if it ruptures.

 BURGERS:

It is widely accepted that red meat is "bad for us," and the ground beef available at your local supermarket is far worse (it is shipped to the supermarket in bulk, and no-one has any clue as to the quality of the assorted scraps therein). Most healthy eaters would recommend that one grill a marinated portebella mushroom or a "veggie burger" instead of stuffing one’s face with gobs of mystery meat — but sometimes you just gotta have the taste of blood in your mouth (mixed with plenty of ketchup).

     I was faced with a dilemma. I was well aware of the deplorable conditions of the meatpacking industry (particularly in regards to "grinds"), but yet I longed for a sandwich filled with over a half-pound of barely cooked flesh, dripping with grease and oozing ketchup! I stopped eating ground beef years ago due to the fact that, even though I loved the taste of it, an hour later I’d often be doubled over with cramps, transforming my surroundings into a miasma of malodorous fumes. I knew ground beef didn’t agree with me (or those in my immediate vicinity), but I wanted it nonetheless. Like an addict, I had to quit, cold turkey.

     After a while, I realized that certain ground meats (like beefalo and venison) did not affect me in the same way, so I could enjoy burgers, chili, and tacos once again! However, such meats are not always available (and when they are, they tend to be rather costly). Since my primary concern was not knowing the quality of the meat in a package of supermarket ground beef, I began purchasing sirloin steaks to take home, hose down, and run through my spotless hand-crank grinder (if you are fortunate enough to know a farmer who raises his own meat, that’s even better). I never got sick from tainted meat again.

     When you decide to serve up a whole mess of burgers, it is imperative that you first obtain a quantity of the best rolls you can buy. Rolls are inexpensive enough, and the quality of the rolls you present will make a huge difference. After getting used to fresh baked kaiser rolls (possibly topped with sesame seeds or onion), you can never go back to the bags of stale "hamburger buns" that your fingers always poke through!

     Next, be sure that you have a good selection of condiments. You will want 2 medium-sized squeeze bottles of good quality ketchup (avoid glass bottles, "economy-size" bottles, and watery generic brands) . . . ketchup is very important (you will probably need to reapply ketchup to your burger at least once, and it is advised that one squirt a blob of ketchup on one’s plate for dipping). Mayonnaise, Thousand Island (or Russian) salad dressing, spicy whole-seed mustard, and a top quality steak sauce are all good to have on hand, as individual tastes can vary greatly.

     You will also need to have an assortment of toppings. The most important topping is a thick slice of cheese (which should be applied immediately after the burger has been removed from the grill). Good choices of pre-sliced cheese include: Havarti, Muenster, Swiss, Provolone, and sharp cheddar (only shitheads and skinflints favor "Process American Cheese Food). Other toppings (which can go below the burger as well, if necessary) can include: fresh sliced tomatoes, sliced (never diced) raw onion, sliced pickles (dill is much better than sweet, and those novelty super-sized slices should be avoided like the plague), crisp lettuce leaves (never wilted or shredded), fresh sprouts, and bacon. Some people like sauteed mushrooms and onions, along with fancy "cheese sauce," but that’s too prissy for a cookout, and they should be told so in no uncertain terms.

     The burgers themselves should each be at least a third of a pound (but not much more than a half pound) prior to cooking. They should be formed wide and thick (although not much more than an inch thick). If desired, ground meats could be mixed (venison and veal are too lean to be eaten alone, and lamb is too greasy and musty to be eaten by itself — although they are all excellent when combined with beef — avoid using ground turkey or pork in your burgers). Furthermore, chopped vegetables may be added for texture (favorites include: onion, pimento, mushroom, and garlic). Some people recommend mixing ketchup or steak sauce with the meat, but I’d advise against it (the high sugar content greatly increases the likelihood of charring). If you want to get fancy, you can mix in a little worcestershire sauce — just don’t overdo it. Some people like to add "liquid smoke" to their burgers, but if you’re considering doing so, be absolutely certain that you’re using natural smoke flavor (which is considered by many to be carcinogenic, but still preferable to mystery chemicals that sort of taste burnt). IMPORTANT: Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly after handling raw meat!

     Burgers must be cooked over an open flame (or not cooked at all), although I’m ambivalent as to whether charcoal or propane is used. Most people seem to think that meat should be cooked all the way through to be "safe"— this is nonsense. Yes, thorough cooking will kill some bacteria, but there are various strains which would still survive. As long as you are healthy, the worst that could happen is you’d get the shits for a couple of days (worms and "mad cow disease" are highly unlikely). As long as you are working with good quality meat, all you really need to do is sear it on either side before plopping it on your roll (please do not attempt this with supermarket grinds). As long as you only partake of rare ground meat infrequently, your risk of illness is minimal. Enjoy your food!

Sandwiches are the basic lunchtime meal — a filling between two slices of bread. Many varieties of sandwich exist, both hot and cold, but the majority tend to be rather mundane (luncheon meat, tunafish, peanut butter & jelly, etc.). In this section we’ve compiled a few of the more interesting recipes we’ve been provided with.

     Remember, the key to a good sandwich is using good quality bread (although some folks prefer rolls). The best commercially available bread that we’ve found is Arnold brand’s "Health Nut," which has far more texture and flavor than most 12-grain breads. In our humble opinion, the producers (and consumers) of "Wonder Bread" should be collectively pissed upon from a very great height.

The basic peanut butter and jelly sandwich is widely reviled as fodder for neglected children, however, it can be vastly improved.

     First (after obtaining good quality bread), one must only use natural peanut butter. Natural peanut butter contains nothing but peanuts and salt (although the oil tends to separate, and must be stirred in prior to use). Most commercial peanut butters contain rapeseed oil, sugar, and artificial flavoring — I have very strong feelings about "parents" who feed such poison to their children.

     Next, one should use the best preserves available. Whole fruit strawberry, blackberry, and blueberry are all good, but over a dozen other flavors exist. Some small companies offer interesting "homemade" combinations — one noteworthy example would be jalapeno jam. Two interesting flavors which I’ve enjoyed are Chiver’s Ginger Preserves and Trappist’s Port Wine Jelly.  You might even consider smearing a thin coating of butter on the outside of the sandwich (both sides) and heating it up in a skillet like you were making a grilled cheese — this is a unique twist which really enhances the flavor.  In lieu of jelly, jam, or preserves, many people favor marshmallow "Fluff" (for the infamous "fluffernutter"), apple butter,sliced bananas, or honey (raw buckwheat honey has the most nutritional value).

     Some people who do not like (or are allergic to) peanut butter will substitute cream cheese or marshmallow Fluff — either of which is far too disgustingly sweet for my tastes.

     If the PB&J sandwich is to be transported and stored for an extended duration, it is advisable to put a thin layer of peanut butter on both slices of bread in order to prevent the jelly from turning the sandwich into a soggy mess.

First, two slices of bread are lightly toasted and buttered. Next, a pair of eggs are fried up "over-hard" (or "over-easy," if you don’t mind yolk dripping down your arms) and placed on one of the slices (use the best quality eggs you can find — preferably fresh organic — as there is a huge improvement in flavor). A single slice of cheese (sharp cheddar or cream Havarti) is immediately placed atop the steaming eggs and allowed to melt. If desired, liberal amounts of ketchup can be applied before closing the sandwich (some folks like to add a couple strips of bacon, but I usually choose to leave my bacon on the plate — it seems to get in the way). Combined with a pint of Guinness, this is widely considered to be the "breakfast of champions" amongst many SAS troopers.

 TOASTED CHEESE:

First, a saucepan is filled with Campbell’s condensed tomato soup, substituting organic whole milk for water, and cooked over a low flame. Shredded cheese should be stirred in.

     The toasted cheese sandwich is then cut in half (diagonally) and served with a bowl of modified tomato soup on the side, for dipping.

This sandwich is best served on a kaiser roll.

     First, onions, mushrooms, and peppers are chopped up and sauteed (with butter, over a very low flame) in a skillet.

     Then, several slices of freshly-sliced rare roast beef are placed atop the vegetables, and topped with shredded mozzarella cheese.

     When the cheese melts, the heat is immediately turned off, and a slotted spoon is used to transfer the dripping mess to an open roll. Add A-1 Steak Sauce to taste. If desired, a horseradish sauce can be made from horseradish and mayonnaise.

Use only top quality frankfurters or wursts (such as Nathan’s, Hoffman’s, or Sabretti’s). Boil some water in a saucepan. When water is at a full rolling boil, drop in the wienerdogs. Allow them to boil for approximately 5 minutes. Turn off heat.

     Remove 2 wienerdogs with tongs. Cut each wienerdog neatly in half, slicing right down the middle. Smear one slice of bread with good quality mustard (whole-seed, horseradish, or honey-mustard). Place the 4 wienerdog halves on this slice, neatly next to one another. Immediately cover the hot wienerdogs with a slice of your favorite cheese (Havarti or sharp cheddar seems to work best) Cover with a generous portion of diced raw onion. If desired, place a scoop of fresh cole slaw on top. Do not add relish! Douse liberally with ketchup. Place another slice of bread on top. With a big sharp knife, cut the sandwich in half so that it bisects the wienerdogs.

     This is far better than your average "hot dog."

 HUMMUS:

Hummus is a thick spiced dip made primarily from crushed chick peas (garbanzo beans) and sesame tahini. If you wish to purchase hummus, be sure to read the ingredients (Athenos is the only brand I know of that does not use canola oil). Hummus is high in protein, which makes it an idea choice for vegetarians.

     A good hummus sandwich begins with slathering Thousand Island salad dressing on either slice of bread. Next, a thick layer (at least a half-inch) of hummus is placed on the bottom slice, atop which can be placed assorted sliced vegetables (tomato, onion, black olives, roasted red pepper, and sprouts) and a slice of cheese (Havarti is best), after which the other slice is firmly pressed down on top.

Avocados are great! A lot of people don’t like ‘em because they’re green and slimy, but they’re really good for you — especially if your diet is lacking in quality fats. The avocado should be properly ripened (but not over-ripe), and can either be cut into neat slices or squoze into paste. I recommend smearing either mayonnaise or Thousand Island dressing on either slice of bread before placing the avocado atop the bottom slice.

     Atop the avocado, one can place a variety of vegetables (tomatoes and sprouts are good choices) as well as a single slice of cheese (I’d recommend cream Havarti). This sandwich is best topped with a couple slices of pickled beet.

     Use up the avocado quickly, as it goes bad fast and cannot be refrigerated.

This sandwich should only be made if you have access to fresh, ripe, homegrown tomatoes. If you attempt this with supermarket produce, you’re guaranteed to be disappointed.

     First, two slices of bread should be thickly slathered with mayonnaise (this prevents the bread from becoming soggy). Then, the tomato should carefully be cut into a series of thin slices using the sharpest knife you own. The slices are then transferred to the bread (at this point, some people like to add a little salt), which is then closed and cut in two.

SARDINE:

Smear mayonnaise onto two pieces of bread. Open up a tin of sardines (in either oil or water) and drain. Transfer the sardines to the bottom slice of bread with a fork. Apply a liberal amount of fresh ground pepper. Mash the sardines with the back of your fork. Close the sandwich and eat.

PEANUT BUTTER & BACON:

First, grill up about a quarter-pound of fresh, thick-cut slab bacon, making sure to properly blot it dry with paper towels.

     Next, smear a thick coating of natural chunky peanut butter on two slices of bread and toast them in a toaster oven.

     Place the strips of bacon lengthwise between the two slices of peanut butter toast and eat (without cutting). If desired, a thick layer of liverwurst (and maybe some raw onions) may be added as well.

Whenever we were served spaghetti in jail, some of the other guys would place a handful between two slices of buttered bread and eat it like a sandwich. This tasted really good, but it was impossible to eat without making a hell of a mess. My solution to this was simply to boil up a single lasagna noodle.

     A small amount of good quality jarred sauce is heating in a saucepan while the noodle boils (usually ready in a little over 5 minutes).  If you have a container in the fridge, a couple tablespoons of ricotta cheese should be added to the sauce.I suppose you could make a number of sandwiches like this, but I’ve never met anyone else who cared to try one. Anyway, I butter up two slices of bread, place the boiled noodle on top (I pull it out with tongs and carefully fold it over), and spoon on some sauce. It’s pretty good!

1.) Lightly toast two slices of bread.

2.) Open up a small jar of good quality creamed herring (Nathan’s is best).

3.) Use a fork to transfer most of the herring, onions, and sour cream to one of the slices.

4.) Put the other slice on top, and cut the sandwich in two.