This section is only going to touch on a few key elements of the topic of "Road Rage." One could easily expound upon this topic for hundreds of pages, but that would go far beyond the scope of this project. Here, I shall simply discuss what "Road Rage" is, and how it can be avoided.

An aggressive driver typically is an individual who is mentally (or emotionally) unbalanced. This lack of balance is often only temporary, and can be due to a number of factors (personal/marital/financial problems, intoxication, illness, emotional trauma, fear, pain, hatred, despair, etc.). Under the right (or, more appropriately, wrong) conditions, virtually anyone can temporarily find themselves "off balance." When an unbalanced individual is behind the wheel of an automobile, their identity changes. They are no longer a "person," per se, but have been transformed into a powerful, semi-anonymous force to be reckoned with. They tend to identify very strongly with their vehicle of choice (and may be further influenced by the "auditory driving" of the tunes they have cranked at full volume), and will react to any intrusion into their vehicle’s "personal space" as either a threat or an insult directed at themselves, personally. Such an individual, in his unbalanced and disassociated state, is experiencing an altered state of consciousness, and his reality is far removed from that of his daily interpersonal contacts with family, friends, co-workers, and the general public. Indeed, he may not even perceive you as a fellow human being, but rather as that red car. Understanding how the typical aggressive driver thinks is your key to avoiding trouble on the road.

Why would an aggressive driver decide to pick you as a target, when there are so many other possible choices? A demented zealot may strongly disagree with the statement emblazoned upon your bumper sticker. A criminal may see you as a favorable target for a robbery. A deviant may find you (or a passenger) an attractive target for a sexual assault. An enraged individual might mistakenly identify you as his enemy who happens to drive a similar vehicle to your own. Or, by far the most common reason of all, you did something that really pissed him off. That is the secret to avoiding battles with aggressive drivers — do not piss people off.

What sort of behavior is sure to anger and offend fellow motorists? That can vary greatly, depending upon many factors, but a few common offenses follow:

1.) TAILGATING: This typically is defined as "following too closely" (less than a car-length between vehicles at highway speeds, but sometimes the distance can be measured in inches). This is an incredibly dangerous practice, as a collision is practically assured if the vehicle ahead suddenly needs to slam on its brakes.

2.) INAPPROPRIATELY SLAMMING ON BRAKES: Usually done to discourage tailgating, but often causes a minor situation to seriously escalate.

3.) NOT ALLOWING OTHERS TO PASS: Usually accomplished by accelerating in passing zones, but some aggressive drivers will even cut over the centerline to further "make their point."

4.) CUTTING PEOPLE OFF: This usually entails cutting in front of another vehicle, usually without any prior signaling of intention, by less than a full car-length. "Highway swoopers" are fond of zig-zagging through heavy traffic at high speeds, some people like to suddenly cut across three lanes in order to take their exit, and many idiots like to wait until they’re less than a yard from a vehicle’s rear bumper to pass — then suddenly cut back into their lane less than a yard ahead of the vehicle’s front bumper (perhaps they mistakenly believe that doing so will somehow confuse police radar). This can be dangerous, and is often seen as an intrusion into one’s personal space.

5.) FAILURE TO YIELD: Most commonly, this entails failing to move to the left to accommodate merging traffic, but may also entail the ignoring of "yield" signs and failing to yield the "right of way" when appropriate. Failure to yield is extremely dangerous, and can easily result in a major accident.

6.) SPEEDING: Many "good citizens" are outraged by the sight of such flagrant lawbreaking, and may decide to "teach you a lesson" by breaking the law themselves. They may deliberately cut off a speeder (thus possibly causing a fatal accident), may "give chase," or may simply report your crime to the police on their cellular phone. I can see getting flared about people who recklessly speed through school zones and residential areas, but the highways are a different story altogether.

7.) LITTERING: Many "good citizens" (even those who truly do not give two shits about the environment) will get angry if they see you toss a biodegradable banana peel or sandwich crust out your window. However, nearly anyone would get pissed off if a section of newspaper or half-full chocolate milkshake suddenly hit their windshield!

8.) OFFENSIVE GESTICULATIONS AND/OR COMMENTARY: This activity is usually accompanied by repeated blaring of the horn to ascertain that one’s nemesis is paying attention. If you flip another motorist "the bird" while loudly suggesting that he fuck his mother, he may become angry — especially if he’s been having a really bad day. It is of the upmost importance that all of your passengers be informed that you will not tolerate any such behavior on their part!

Either deliberately pissing someone off, or appearing to be a tempting target for a certain type of predator, can result in being bumped, sideswiped, or shot. However, it is far more likely that you will be targeted simply for failing to allow an aggressive driver to pass when he obviously very much wants to do so.

It could happen to anyone at any time, but (statistically speaking) it will most likely happen to the driver of either a compact car or a medium-sized sedan (who is typically driving at a speed slightly below the posted limit), along a two-lane secondary road on a hot summer afternoon (although Friday and Saturday nights, after 9 PM, is another dangerous time). You’re minding your own business, and suddenly some asshole’s glued to your back bumper. He might be flashing his lights and sounding his horn (in which case, you probably ought to pull over to the shoulder and let him pass), but more likely he’ll simply be revving his engine and nudging over the centerline, as if he wants to pass (which, indeed, he probably does). Doesn’t this idiot know how dangerous his actions are? What the fuck could be going through his head? Let us take a peek inside the minds of a few "aggressive drivers:"

1.) FUCK!!! I’M LATE! I’M LATE! I’M LATE! IF I’M LATE AGAIN, MY CAREER IS RUINED!

2.) YEEEEHAW! DAD’S CAR SURE DOES FLY! OUTTA MY WAY, SLOWPOKE!"

3.) IT SURE IS A NICE DAY FOR A DRIVE . . . SURE WISH THE AIR-CONDITIONER WORKED, THOUGH . . . DAMN, COULD THAT IDIOT DRIVE ANY SLOWER?

4.) SHIT! I HOPE WE GET TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM BEFORE MY BROTHER DIES!

5.) LIFE SUCKS . . . AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS BOTTLE, I’M GONNA PEG THE SPEEDOMETER AND SLAM INTO A TREE . . . I SURE WISH THAT GOOFY SON-OF-A-BITCH WOULD MOVE HIS ASS!

6.) FUCKIN’ PHONE IS OFF THE HOOK AGAIN! WHEN I CATCH THAT SNEAKY BASTARD PUTTIN’ IT TO HER, I’M GONNA PUT A BULLET IN BOTH THEIR ASSES!

7.) YO, DIS ROCK IS THE ILL SHIT!

As you can clearly see, the mentality of the aggressive driver cannot always be immediately discerned. He (or she) could be completely devoid of any ill intent (indeed, he (or she) might be completely oblivious to the fact that he is behaving obnoxiously), he could be completely justified (at least in his own mind) in exceeding the speed limit, or he could be a violent psychotic. Due to these facts, it is generally a real good idea simply to let the fool pass (without "flipping him off," or doing anything else which might antagonize him), and, hopefully, he’ll soon be out of your life forever.

Statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority of "aggressive drivers" are simply in a hurry and want to get past you. If you let them pass, they’ll typically zoom off over the horizon, never to be seen again. Dependant upon exactly how "stressed-out" or unstable (remember, a staggering percentage of our populace is currently under the influence of psychoactive prescription medication, which often is not taken according to instructions) a particular individual happens to be, he (or, quite commonly, she) may react violently if you intentionally attempt to prevent them from passing. Now, why the fuck would any sane individual try picking a fight with a total stranger? Let us examine a few people’s possible motivation for deliberately preventing another motorist from passing:

"You’ve been glued to my back bumper for the past three miles, and now you wanna zip past me? Fuck you! You’re just gonna haveta wait a little bit longer!"

"You are exceeding the speed limit! That’s against the law! It is my duty as a good citizen to prevent you from breaking the law! Ha ha!"

"You wanna pass me punk? Fuck that! You get your sorry ass back where it belongs, or you’re gonna be wadded inside burning scrap metal!"

As you can clearly see, the "victim" of an aggressive driver’s rage often may have escalated the incident to the point of violence through their own "passive-aggressive" actions. However, to be fair, not all such motorists can uniformly be classified as "passive-aggressive"— many are simply moronic numbskulls who slow down for every curve, completely oblivious to the line of vehicles backed up behind them, and simply see the passing zones (typically straightaways) as an opportunity to accelerate to the full speed limit — nary an aggressive intent in their empty skulls, and they are invariably shocked by how many people wave obscene gestures at them when an opportunity finally arises to safely pass.

Let us review: If you are driving along a two-lane secondary road with few safe passing zones, and you notice another motorist close to your rear bumper revving his engine and edging over the centerline as if he really wants to pass, should you:

a.) Slam on your brakes.

b.) Speed up.

c.) Wait until he attempts to pass, then speed up.

d.) Wait until he attempts to pass, then speed up and flip him off.

e.) As he attempts to pass, cut him off by edging over the centerline.

f.) Toss a bag of fast food refuse out your window.

g.) Slow down and allow him to pass, even if it means you must edge over to the shoulder to do so.

Of course, the correct answer is "g," but you would be shocked and dismayed to learn how many of your fellow motorists fail this test on a regular basis. Their are more than enough idiots on the road to beware of without you contributing to the problem. Don’t act like an idiot.

I am aware that many of you may even be tempted to behave aggressively yourselves. This can be due to the fact that you’re medevacing an injured friend to the emergency room, you could be running late for an important meeting, or you could simply be having a really bad day. Then, all of a sudden, you come up behind this pokey motherfucker who will not let you pass! Before you haul out the sawed-off and unload both barrels into their rear window, please consider the following:

1.) The vehicle could be experiencing mechanical difficulties, and is unable to go any faster.

2.) The driver could be elderly, inexperienced, or have bad eyesight, and it would be unsafe for he (or she) to drive any faster.

3.) The driver could be lost, or looking for an address.

4.) The driver could be really stupid, and truly does not know any better.

Please remember, not everyone who drives like an idiot is out to offend you personally, and if you need to be somewhere by a specific time it is generally a real good idea to leave early. Be aware. Be safe. Don’t drive like an asshole. A bad decision on the road could easily result in dire consequences. Don’t push your luck.

In the event that you are targeted by an aggressive driver, there are a few simple things you can do to terminate his activities, but I have been advised by legal counsel not to share them with you. A few suggestions that I can give you are:

1.) Do not allow the goblin to follow you home (or to your school or workplace).

2.) Do not exit your vehicle, or allow your vehicle to be run off the road, blocked in, or otherwise rendered immobile.

3.) Call for assistance on your cellular phone or CB radio, being sure to give your approximate location as well as the description and tag number of the offending vehicle.

4.) Immediately drive to the nearest police station, or pull up to the first police car you see.