DISCLAIMER

RWT neither endorses or condones various statements made by the author of this essay. However, he makes a number of valid observations, and we support his right to freely express his opinions.

"Just like monkeys in the zoo, they are!"

                               — Captain Hook

gaol n archaic : chiefly Brit var of JAIL

monkey n : any ill-behaved primate of low intelligence exhibiting a marked lack of self-control

INTRODUCTION:

In the society whose rules we are compelled to abide by, lawbreakers (when apprehended) are typically sentenced to a term of imprisonment. A few of the stated reasons for this method of punishment are: Punitive (by depriving the lawbreaker of his freedom), Protection of Society (by temporarily removing the lawbreaker), and Deterrence (by using harsh sentences as an example to other potential lawbreakers). "Rehabilitation" is seldom quoted anymore, due to the fact that only a very few correctional institutions even consider the concept valid (except as a joke at the expense of inmates). In our society, jail is nothing more than a warehouse in which to store outcasts, misfits, and predators; and with the proliferation of "privately owned" (corporate) correctional facilities, they are rapidly transforming into an immensely profitable labor pool (if an inmate refuses to work for the corporation, at pennies a day, he’ll be locked down in isolation until he finally decides to "be a team player").

Jail (local or County) sucks really bad, and some are worse than others. State Prison is typically considered worse than jail (although the food and living conditions are often a little better at the minimum and medium security installations), and it lasts a lot longer. The Federal Penitentiary is even worse than prison, typically having harsher conditions and more restrictions. Stockades and Military correctional facilities may have an overabundance of petty regulations which are strictly enforced, but they tend to be much cleaner with better food and safer living conditions. The gaol, in the vast majority of its current forms, is an abomination against justice, reason, and sanity. You want to avoid doing anything that could conceivably result in your doing hard time, thus being subject to the whims of incompetent and sadistic bureaucrats.

The best "stay out of jail plan" is simply to abstain from committing crimes. This includes (but is by no means limited to): driving while ability impaired, fighting, possession of a weapon, possession of marijuana or drugs, reckless driving, or "disturbing the peace." Furthermore, make sure that you do not have any outstanding warrants or "wants," and try to avoid speeding whenever possible (the most common way to come into contact with the police).

If you are accused of a crime, you may be encouraged to "make a deal" by "co-operating with authorities" prior to being officially charged with a criminal offense. This usually entails ratting out one’s accomplices, friends, and acquaintances in exchange for reduced (or even dropped) charges. Do not do this! Unless you’re doing society a huge favor by giving up the location of a dangerous predatory criminal whom no-one likes, you will instantly amass hundreds of potential enemies (every criminal who reads the paper or is privy to the "whisper stream"), and your reputation will be indelibly tarnished — no-one will ever trust you again. It is far better to say nothing and do your full time, rather than shave off half your potential sentence in return for becoming a pariah.

Incarceration is a demeaning experience, and no good ever comes of it. It changes few people "for the better," unless they either hang themselves in their cell, or are so scared to commit another crime that they decide to work three minimum wage jobs upon their release and thus doom themselves to a life of drudgery and toil. Prison rehabilitates no-one. Weak, non-violent offenders are victimized by the predators; inexperienced criminals learn better ways to commit crimes from career outlaws; few (if any) useful job skills are learned; and simply observing the blatantly corrupt system from the inside is sure to destroy any respect an inmate might still hold for the powers of government. The current system is horribly damaged, and although the faults are well-known, no-one seems inclined to attempt to fix things. The King’s gaol is a bad place to be.

POSITIVE ASPECTS OF INCARCERATION:

Yes, believe it or not, there are actually a few benefits of finding oneself incarcerated. While the average citizen might not think so, your average unemployable homeless person might find the prospect of incarceration desirable — particularly during wintertime. Indeed, many homeless people deliberately allow themselves to be caught committing minor crimes in hopes of obtaining food and shelter (most "homeless shelters" are filled to capacity, and if one is able to gain admittance, they are often ejected upon the first minor violation of the rules (such as: insubordination, cussing, failing to do chores, failing to attend church services, or missing curfew by 5 minutes). Let us now take a look at a few reasons an individual might enjoy being incarcerated.

1.) SHELTER: You are guaranteed to have a roof over your head (even if it’s a canvas army tent), a place to sleep, and a blanket. Most facilities also provide heat in the wintertime, and electric fans in the summer.

2.) FOOD: You are guaranteed to be fed at least twice daily. Your "meal" might only consist of a baloney sandwich, a hot dog, or a bowl of soup; but it usually isn’t rancid or maggoty, and is probably a lot healthier than eating out of rat-infested dumpsters.

3.) CLOTHING: You will probably be issued either a jumpsuit or sweatpants and T-shirt, along with a pair of tennis shoes (which might not have laces). The clothing will most likely be stained and torn, and probably won’t fit, but at least it’ll have been laundered.

4.) ABSOLUTION OF RESPONSIBILITY: You no longer need to worry about looking for a job, getting evicted from an apartment, ducking people you owe money to, or spending the better part of your days scheming and scrounging to get by. Once incarcerated, the stressors of life in society are suddenly eliminated (only to be replaced by an entirely new set of stressors).

5.) ENTERTAINMENT: Nearly all correctional facilities provide (at a minimum) color televisions with full cable, several boxes of tattered paperbacks, a weight pile, and basketballs. Some provide much more than this — few provide less.

6.) VICE: Drugs can be procured (for a price) in nearly any correctional facility — often being smuggled in with the complicity of guards or staff. Jailhouse wine (or "hootch") can easily be whipped up by allowing juice, fruit, sugar, and yeast to ferment in a plastic bag for a few days. Gambling is commonplace (although a significant number of jailhouse hits are over the debts incurred). And for those so inclined, homosexual contact can either be purchased or forced from weaker inmates.

7.) POWER: If you are large, strong, and violent, you can intimidate those around you, compelling them to do your bidding. Often, guards choose to dub such an individual as "boss" of his particular cellblock, and use him as a foreman to delegate responsibilities to the others (as for cleaning crews, assemblers, and farm workers). Persons who are "connected" to organized crime wield considerable influence over lesser inmates, and tend to receive significantly more respect from their jailors. Inmates with high rank in certain religious or social organizations may be able to command respect from similarly minded inmates. Inmates with genius level I.Q.s, or special talents (music, mechanics, chemistry, etc) might be valuable on the outside, but unless they have good connections (along with the standard umbrella of protection), they’ll probably just be victimized along with the rest of the weaklings. The ability and willingness to injure or kill other inmates is a sure method of gaining respect from the non-violent majority.

THINGS ABOUT GAOL THAT REALLY SUCK:

I have been incarcerated for two short stretches (30 days and 6 months, respectively) in two different County Jail facilities (each time for unauthorized possession of restricted weaponry — items I no longer feel compelled to carry on a daily basis for personal protection). Several of my friends have also done short amounts of time, in either the local lockup or the stockade (mostly just for being drunk and stupid). I have met many ex-cons and correctional officers in my travels, and have done a great deal of research on the American prison system. These experiences have given me a unique perspective on the subject which the average citizen lacks. Since we incarcerate a higher percentage of our population than all the other countries of the world combined (indeed, the state of California has more people behind bars than does both China and the former Soviet Union), and approximately 10% of our citizens have some sort of criminal record, this level of ignorance is appalling.

Much of our ignorance is the result of apathy. We hear about shocking crimes of violence every day on the news, and often the perpetrator is on parole for similar offenses. Then we watch shows like Cops which regularly depict drug-addled minorities being chased down and tackled by multiple uniformed officers, so we eventually begin to identify all disheveled weirdos as potentially dangerous threats to our safety. "Why are these dirtbags out on the streets?" Joe Citizen will bellow. "They all oughta be locked away forever . . . or better yet, gassed!" So longer sentences and harsher conditions are the end result. Anyone who suggests that perhaps certain aspects of the prison system ought to be improved is immediately labeled "soft on crime," which in today’s political climate is similar to calling someone a "commie" during the Fifties. What Joe Citizen doesn’t bother to consider is the fact that nearly every incarcerated person will eventually be returned to society. And if an individual has been beaten, tortured, stabbed, or raped (in addition to the usual mistreatment) during his stay, one of the first things he’ll wanna do upon his release is obtain a handgun (which he’ll use, without hesitation, to shoot a hole in the next sneering face that dares to "give him shit"). Please consider that the majority of inmates have been sentenced for non-violent offenses (typically either drug possession or theft), and if Joe Citizen’s college-boy one day happens to run amiss of the law, his tune would change most drastically ("He’s a good kid — not like those colored dopers on the TV! What about his future?"). Most people don’t know about these things because they simply don’t care — after all, they don’t know any criminals!

Many professional criminals who’ve survived years of hard time have openly declared that they’d die before going back. This is neither bravado nor fear talking, but a clear and conscious decision that being thrown back in the dungeons to spend the remainder of their miserable life in a dank cage is simply unacceptable. Such an individual will think nothing of firing on policemen (or eating his gun) without a moment’s hesitation. Such individuals, if they choose to remain criminals, are extremely dangerous simply because long-term warehouse incarceration is such a deplorable and dehumanizing method of punishment. What is so bad about being held a captive of the Empire, you ask? These, people, are but a handful of the cold hard facts about the King’s gaol:

1.) THE FOOD REALLY SUCKS! Mealtime is an important part of one’s life, and one’s food should be both nutritious and palatable. One should look forward to mealtime. Not so in gaol. At its best, the food is bland, starchy, and tepid. At its worst, you could get food poisoning . . . or turd soup (remember, your food is prepared and served by fellow inmates). You need good wholesome food in order to provide energy and safeguard your health. If you are being fed from drums of processed meat (and meat by-products), and drinking water contaminated with heavy metals and protozoans, your immune system will suffer, and you will get sick. The typical jail menu includes such delicacies as: grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, bologna sandwich, macaroni & cheese, hot dog, hamburger patty, spaghetti, scrambled eggs, and Jello . . . and those are the good things! All sandwiches are made with cheap white bread, all cheese is "processed cheese food product," all meat is low grade nastiness a homeless person wouldn’t pay a foodstamp for, the eggs might be powdered, and spices are never used — not even garlic! Believe me, people, Army food, airlines food, and even school lunch are all significantly better than what you’ll get fed in gaol. The food, alone, is reason enough to value your freedom!

2.) FELONS ARE POOR HOUSEKEEPERS: Unless you are big and bad enough to order your fellow inmates to scrub down the cell block twice a week, you will be living in a shithole. If you are cool with the guards, they might decide to trust you with a mop, paper towels, and assorted cleaning products with which to scrub down your cell, so you’ll have a bit of a haven from the squalor — although, of course, there’s no escaping the smell (urine, dirty laundry, mildew, and rotting garbage). If you leave out a cracker, perhaps you’ll be able to acquire a pet rat (you can always eat him instead of the fish sticks).

3.) FELONS ARE POOR COMPANY: Most of the people you’ll meet in jail are degenerate shitheads who’ve been fucking up their entire lives, and show very little potential for improvement. There are exceptions, but as a general rule, the majority of inmates have no business breathing my air. As soon as they’re released, they’ll just start doing drugs, committing crimes, and breeding the next generation of predators and deviants. Most of them are incredibly stupid — but they also happen to be loudmouthed "experts on everything" who always have to be right — and are willing to expound for hours about things they know absolutely nothing about, in order to prove their superiority. The few things inmates do seem to be knowledgeable about are hard drugs, pornography, and socially unacceptable music. Their knowledge of: law, current events, cinema, sports, engines, and firearms is deplorable. Most inmates are either brain-damaged, mildly retarded, or just plain stupid . . . they are poor conversationalists. Believe it or not, one topic they seem to enjoy discussing is frequency of masturbation! Unless you’ll be doing your entire time in isolation (highly unlikely), you’ll be spending every day surrounded by such people.

4.) IT’S NOISY: Those fucking monkeys do love their cartoons, which they’ll insist on having on the television for at least eight hours every day — at full volume (even when no-one’s watching). Music videos are another big favorite — also at full volume. You’ve gotta threaten to burn them alive in order to watch an hour of educational programming! And that’s during the day. After the nighttime lockdown, they’ll be hollerin’ at one another for hours, and there’ll always be some defective on your floor who spends his nights beating on the wall with a shoe whilst screaming. It is difficult to find time to read, write, or think; but it’s easy to get to sleep once you’ve gotten used to it.

5.) TOO MANY STUPID RULES: A certain amount of regimentation can be a good thing, especially for building up discipline so one can learn to take on new responsibilities. However, when strict regimentation is utilized by incompetent and corrupt bureaucrats as a tool of mass control over those they view as inferiors, the end result is needless misery and bitter resentment. Petty regulations are reinterpreted and selectively enforced by sadistic turnkeys, yet the staff and guards hardly seem accountable to anyone. Aside from meager efforts by private groups such as Amnesty International, there has been little oversight directed at the Bureau of Prisons (although specific infamous prisons have been directly attacked — usually with few results). Shakedowns, lockdowns, and strip searches are frequently implemented simply "to keep inmates in their place," and the smallest show of resistance is instantly met with a team of armored stormtroopers swinging shock batons and emptying cans of pepperspray. Oh, by the way, gaol is a non-smoking facility!

6.) IT’S DANGEROUS: Gaol can be a scary place — especially if you happen to be weak, weaponless, and alone. You will be tested for "heart," in order to see where you fit in amongst the population (probably somewhere between "punk" and "bad muthafuckah"). This is a normal rite of passage for new arrivals (and one you damn well better be able to pass), and you shouldn’t let it bother you. However, you can never let your guard down. There are few people you should turn your back on, and none you can completely trust. Just try not to make enemies — there’s a whole new set of rules here, and people are often killed for what appears on the surface to be rather trivial matters. The politics of prison life has a lot to do with "respect," and the tiniest slight can thus be viewed as legitimate grounds for shanking someone. It is far more dangerous behind bars than out on the streets. If you are found to be sorely lacking in "heart" (visibly nervous, apologetic, reluctant to fight, etc) you will probably either be beaten down or turned into someone’s bitch. If you don’t seem to give a shit whether or not you die, and appear to relish the idea of gouging someone’s eyes out for fucking with you, most people will probably leave you alone. Two words of advice here: 1.) If another inmate puts a hand on you to test your reaction, take him out hard and fast (but try not to kill him, ‘cause it’ll be an additional charge); 2.) If you’re expected to bunk in a dormitory (or overcrowded cell), immediately beat the shit out of the first person to verbally fuck with you — they’ll probably transfer you to solitary where you’ll be safe for a while (and your act of violence will enhance your reputation). If you allow people to talk shit, they’ll steal from you; if you allow people to steal from you, they’ll slap you around; if you let people slap you around, they’ll finally start lining up to fuck you in the ass. Many prisoners are I.V. drug users, and if you allow yourself to get buggered, you’ll probably be infected with AIDS. Be sure to do your time standing up!

7.) IT’S TOUGH ON YOUR FAMILY: Hopefully, you do not have a wife and children who’re dependant upon your weekly paycheck, because if you need to spend any significant amount of time behind bars you can reasonably expect them to deplete your savings and max out all the credit cards in order to survive. Once the money is gone, they might need to sell your car, stereo, exercise equipment, firearms, and maybe even your motorcycle in order to buy groceries and keep the electricity on. The next step might entail either depending upon other family members for financial assistance or even going on the dole. What with new "Welfare Reform" policies, going on the dole is far more difficult and demeaning than ever it was before — please don’t allow your loved ones to suffer such an indignity. Furthermore, if your family and friends wish to visit you, they’ll have to show their identification, sign in, pass through a metal detector, and stand in a crowded room full of sweaty jabbering dirtbags until it is time for their visit. When they are finally permitted to visit you (generally only for about 15 minutes — possibly even through a panel of bulletproof glass via telephone), they’ll get to see you all pale and unkempt in your tattered inmate uniform. If they’re not very bright, they might even ask stupid questions like, "What’s new with you?" If you are lucky enough to be part of a good family, that should be reason enough to make a sincere effort to stay out of trouble — don’t put them through unnecessary hardships.

8.) IT’S POINTLESS: Many years ago, as I walked out of the King’s gaol for the last time, some smart-assed deputy asked me "Did you learn anything from this?" As I prepared to go off spouting about the corrupt system and the unconstitutional law that had brought me there, he stopped me and said that he could hold me for another 24 hours if he wanted to. I looked at him, and then I thought for a few long moments before finally saying, "I learned a lot about myself." He nodded, satisfied, and finished processing my paperwork before releasing me back into the world, never to return to the dungeons again. But what did I really learn? I learned that after a few months time seems to stop, and the passage of days no longer affects you. I learned that time, once spent, can never be replaced. I learned that 6 months behind bars probably feels about the same as 5 years (only shorter). I learned that rehabilitation is not an issue, and inmates go to church services, A.A. meetings, and other opportunities for "self-improvement" simply to meet friends from other cellblocks (and as a change from the usual routine). I learned that jail does not make you a "better person"— it simply either grinds you down or toughens you up. I learned to dislike basements (too similar to a cellblock). And, perhaps most importantly, I learned not to trust anybody (both times I was busted because someone ratted me out). Incarceration is bullshit. It achieves no positive results.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

For the Empire, incarcerating the dregs of society has numerous benefits:

1.) Each individual lawbreaker shall be indelibly identified as such for the remainder of his life. This will effectively prevent select professions from inadvertently allowing a potential troublemaker into a position of responsibility.

2.) Each individual lawbreaker shall be stripped of the bulk of his civil rights, and shall henceforth be branded as a "felon" in all future dealings with the justice system (which, of course, includes policemen); in effect, being reduced to the status of "subject" rather than citizen.

3.) An army of slave laborers is available, who may be compelled to perform whatever tasks are required without any interference from OSHA or other bothersome regulatory agencies.

4.) Those weaker members of the bottom-feeding criminal underclass shall be snuffed out, driven insane, or infected with a lethal virus to freely spread amongst others of their ilk upon their release.

The goal appears to be total domination of the underclasses, and it seems to be working remarkably well.

Okay, so I’ve established the fact that I’m good at criticizing current correctional policies, but what changes could I recommend to improve things? That is a joke. It is highly unlikely that things will ever improve while current policy continues to work well for the Empire and its minions. Things probably will not change for the better in my lifetime — in fact, things will probably only get worse. As prisons progressively get more overcrowded, filthy, and mismanaged, things will get so dangerous for guards and staff that a major overhaul will be called for. Newer facilities are tending to become much larger, far more secure, and almost like a self-supporting insect hive in both design and function. In another 20 years, prisons will probably evolve into high-tech workhouses where every identifiable member of the underclass shall be tattooed with a bar-code and confined for the duration of their lifespan, eating protein mush-loaf and assembling plastic widgets 16 hours each day. The new facilities might be safer and more sanitary, but who wants to spend every precious moment of life as an automaton toiling in a widget factory? Corporations have found that prison labor is often far superior to that of freely employed workers — they always show up for work, generally do exactly as they’re told, and expenses are far cheaper even than if they’d set up shop in a Third World regime! Since corporations are the mass of the King’s power base, they shall get what they want — slaves. This is the future of corrections in America.

"Oh, but if you’re so smart, you must have a suggestion or two," I can hear some cynical smartass imploring, in hopes of tearing those ideas apart as "unfeasible." Perhaps my ideas are unfeasible for this society, but I think they’d probably work. Here are a few:

1.) IMMEDIATELY LEGALIZE (OR DECRIMINALIZE) THE MAJORITY OF SO-CALLED "VICTIMLESS" OFFENSES: This is a complex subject which one could easily devote an entire volume to, but I’ll attempt to be brief. Marijuana should be completely decriminalized. Prostitution should be licensed and regulated. Drug addicts (as well as occasional users) should be able to procure small amounts of their poison of choice from heavily regulated government facilities. Practical drug education and rehabilitation programs should be available to anyone — with no waiting list. The majority of consensual sex acts between adults should be decriminalized (even though such acts are seldom prosecuted anymore, they’re still on the books in many jurisdictions — believe it or not, it is actually illegal in some states to get a blowjob from your own wife!). The speed limit on certain "super-highways" should be eliminated. There should be no restrictions on lawful possession of knives, clubs, pepperspray, or martial-arts weapons. Shotguns and rifles should be freely transferrable amongst folks who live in rural areas. Concealed handgun permits should be issued to any good citizen who attends a course and passes an examination, with magnums and high-capacity autoloaders requiring additional certification. And helmets and mufflers should be optional for all motorcyclists. For the most part, only crimes involving theft or violence should be punished by the State. Once the prohibition on drugs vanishes — and drugs become freely available to registered addicts (Holland allows them to use as much as they want — provided they stay within the facility until the effects wear off) — the vast majority of burglaries, muggings, and robberies will no longer occur, and thus, far fewer people will be incarcerated. This is a recognized fact, but the Empire, so fixated on getting every "troublemaker" registered in the system, refuses to even consider such ideas.

2.) THE STATE MUST TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE UNDERCLASSES: By the term "underclass," I speak of society’s rejects and refuse, not the noble "working poor" who toil at multiple minimum-wage jobs to feed their families. The underclasses of which I speak include those who are unable (or unwilling) to fend for themselves, and often find themselves homeless, desperately resorting to theft in order to survive. Such individuals fill our jails needlessly. Now, let it be known that I am not advocating communism here, and I do subscribe to the idea that "There’s no such thing as a free lunch," but things are really fucked up and something needs to be done about it! What do I propose? First, either housing units or treatment facilities (dependant upon a given individual’s level of need) should be made freely available, where individuals will be provided with the bare essentials for life: shelter, food, medical attention, security, and some form of direction (job training, counseling, or even simple regimentation, dependant upon need). Furthermore, a cash gift (say, a thousand dollars or so) can be offered to those who voluntarily submit to sterilization. After all, it has been proven that one of the primary causes of crime is an overabundance of unwanted and uncared for children. Once the underclasses no longer have any legitimate reason to steal — and cease producing hordes of hellspawn to inflict upon society — crime will be virtually eliminated.

3.) INCORRIGIBLE PREDATORS MUST BE ELIMINATED: It is a recognized fact that the vast majority of rapists and pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated. Nor can certain types of hardened violent offenders (like career armed robbers, or gang hitmen). Having the urge to perform such acts is sick, but actually following through on such urges is monstrous. There is no place in civilized society for the violent sociopath (aside from military Combat Arms units), and statistics clearly show that their chances of improvement are negligible (at best, they simply learn to hide their defects — until they are released to prey on fresh victims). If a creature chooses to go through life hurting other people for its own satisfaction, that creature should not be free to roam amongst us. Nor should any effort be made to rehabilitate or confine such a creature. Once adjudicated as "Guilty beyond any reasonable doubt," the creature should be transferred to an extermination facility where it can be quickly executed with a high caliber bullet to the head (far less barbaric than either gassing or electrocution) and immediately cremated.

4.) THE LENGTH OF SENTENCES SHOULD BE SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCED, WITH THE FOCUS OF INCARCERATION BEING ON SELF-IMPROVEMENT: It is widely recognized amongst most other civilized countries that it is unnecessary, as well as unproductive, to keep criminals incarcerated for unusually long periods of time. Longer sentences produce no discernable positive effects, and significantly contribute to overcrowding. Indeed, huge expenditures are incurred by caring for geriatric inmates who are far too feeble and decrepit to commit further crimes (even if they wanted to), as well as paraplegics and invalids. What serious threat to society can such individuals realistically present? Once dangerous predators have been eliminated, and "mandatory minimum sentences" for drug possession no longer apply, it would be asinine to keep someone in a cage for more than 5 years (with most sentences being much shorter). If they cannot be reassimilated into society, they should either be dispatched or institutionalized. While incarcerated in a safe, sanitary, and well-managed facility, inmates could be encouraged to better themselves through education and job training, as well as taught how best to deal with stressful situations in the outside world. A non-violent inmate treated by the government with understanding and compassion is far more likely to emerge as a valuable and productive asset to society than one who spent his time in idyl torment. Is this "too soft on crime?" Perhaps, but those inclined to become repeat offenders will be treated differently. A second offense could place an inmate in a more restrictive atmosphere with a far more regimented curriculum, and a third offense could result in one being shitcanned at an extermination facility. Once there is no legitimate excuse for committing crimes, one can easily justify treating repeat offenders more harshly.

ENDNOTE: