"Exorcism 4 Dummies"

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As Jon Stewart would say, "Whaaaaaaa?" Some of you are probably asking yourselves "What the fuck is a posting on exorcism doing at the RWT website?" To answer your query, it is here for shits and giggles. In other words, it has been posted "for entertainment purposes only."

INTRODUCTION: Since our Spiritual Advisor had his book, Arcane Lore, published, several dumbasses have contacted him ‘cause they were afeared of the boogyman — and thought that he might actually be in their house!!! Now, although the vast majority of folks who are afeared of the boogyman are delusional and unstable, it has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt that there is a boogyman. Even if you are a materialistic fuck who does not believe in things you cannot see (like electricity, magnetism, gravity, radiation, gasses, etc.), you surely must acknowledge the power of the mind as recognized by modern psychology. You see, if an impressionable individual believes in something enough — whether it be a Christian prayer, a Voodoo curse, or a placebo sugar pill — this belief will tend to cause certain unexplainable physiological effects on their body. Science and psychology both recognize the "power of suggestion," although they cannot yet provide a proper explanation for exactly why mere thoughts can sustain life, mend destroyed tissue, and even force bones to elongate contrary to established medical opinion. Simply stated, if someone believes that their house is haunted, this belief will not go away unless something is done to correct the situation. An "exorcism" is an excellent placebo remedy for this type of delusion.

Our Spiritual Advisor believes in spirits. He believes that they invisibly pass us by, observe our activities, and even intervene in our lives nearly every day. Most folks are unaware of the spirits, or believe that "no such thing exists." Other folks (like schizophrenics and psychotics) are too aware of the spirits, as evidenced by their frequent complaints of visual and auditory hallucinations. Some misguided individuals (like "goth" kids and "New-Age" dabblers) think that the spirits are some sort of novelty for their amusement, and gleefully encourage unknown entities to interact with them via Ouija boards and other dubious methods. And a few folks simply had the misfortune of moving into a home where the emotional imprint of some fucked up shit (child abuse, rape, suicide, murder, etc.) seems to be lingering behind. In a case where unwelcome spirit activity seems to be taking place, a proper exorcism will usually bring the activity to a halt.

How does one know that a house is, indeed, haunted? Usually this is not obvious to the casual observer. Even an alleged psychic may not immediately sense that anything is amiss. However, someone who lives in the house on a daily basis will definitely feel that something is wrong. Odd noises may be heard at night; certain spots may feel unusually cold; a resident may feel uneasy, as if he (or she) is constantly "being watched;" shadowy figures may occasionally be observed in their peripheral vision; small "sparkles" or luminous globes may be seen in the darkness; residents may feel things they cannot see (anything from a featherlike touch, to a pinch, to a shove down the stairs); and frequent bizarre dreams or "night terrors" may be evident. Several of these "symptoms" in combination with one another seem to indicate that a malevolent force is fucking up. Positive spirits do not tend to make folks feel uncomfortable.

Scribe 27 has provided us with a simple procedure which he claims is equally effective at banishing negative spirits as well as delusions of supernatural persecution. No special tools, magickal training, or even belief in the supernatural is necessary to successfully exorcize a house utilizing this method. Even a muggle can do it. Have fun chasing dat boogyman!

1.) SCRUB YER NASTY HOUSE!!!: Negative energies wallow in squalor. Have you ever seen a clean crack den? Taverns and adult bookstores are usually teeming with negative entities hoping to latch onto some weak-willed degenerate, and the fact that these places tend to be dimly lit and improperly cleaned allows them a veritable sanctuary, if you will. Note that the stereotypical "haunted house" usually has a layer of dust and cobwebs over everything, as well as the requisite rotting boards and dripping water. The boogyman cannot thrive in a sanitized environment! Before doing anything else, I’d recommend getting a broom, dustpan, bagless vacuum, trash can, paper towels, and assorted cleaning products together, then get to work cleaning throughout the house. As you are in charge of this operation, feel free to delegate responsibility as you see fit. Be sure to clean in all the hard to reach areas (underneath furniture, on top of doorjambs, in the corners, under the sinks, and inside cupboards). Use the broom and vacuum to remove cobwebs from the walls and ceiling, and wipe off the tops of the light fixtures and ceiling fans. Be sure to dust the blinds, and you may need to wash the drapes. Everything needs to be cleaned thoroughly. If time permits, you may want to mop the floors (put a few drops of vinegar in the water), scrub the walls, and steam clean the carpets. The boogyman does not like a clean house.

2.) LET THE SUN SHINE IN: Once the house is no longer a disgusting embarrassment, feel free to part the drapes, lift the blinds, and open the windows. Negative energies are not fond of sunlight, nor do they care for breezes of fresh air. This will make them very uncomfortable.

3.) "ELEVATING THE VIBRATORY RATE": This "pseudo-scientific term" is common to nearly all occult disciplines, and simply means that one transforms the environment into a calmer and happier one. How is this done? First, through the introduction of pleasing tones. If you have a satellite dish, tune it in to one of the more relaxing CD radio stations (which are commercial-free), like "Light Classical." If you have a CD player, you can pop in a disc of classical strings & woodwinds (Mozart is good, but avoid anything by the likes of Wagner or Beethoven). One particular CD I like to use is, The Essence, by Deva Preval — a female vocalist who is accompanied by instrumentals as she sings traditional Buddhist chants. The proper tunes will set the mood. Next, burn some top quality incense — just one stick at a time is sufficient. After that, you may feel inclined to burn something else as well (fffffft!). When everyone’s in the right frame of mind, laughter will ensue. The boogyman does not enjoy laughter.

4.) IGNORE THE FUCKER . . . : Don’t let dat boogyman piss on yer parade! Y’all are havin’ a good ole time — the cleaning is done, everyone’s in a good mood, and you’ve properly grounded yourselves by sharing a pizza. So what if dat boogyman wants to call attention to himself by rattling the chandelier, slamming doors, or making the lights flicker? He doesn’t just want your attention, he needs it! Acknowledging his bad behavior only encourages him to stick around. Withdraw your attention from the raps, knocks, and scratching. If it is a powerful spirit, you may suddenly start to smell unpleasant things or notice furniture sliding across the floor or small objects beginning to levitate. As long as nobody is being pelted with injurious objects, continue to behave as if nothing is happening. In a worst case scenario, a demonic entity may "apport" something nasty (like spiders or dogshit) into your vicinity, may ignite a small fire (which will probably extinguish itself shortly thereafter), or may even begin to manifest as a dark cloud — such menacing behavior will necessitate immediate action; fortunately, such occurrences are extraordinarily rare. If you are being threatened, immediately fire up a sage wand (see # 7) to properly "clear" the area of negativity. In the event of an attempted manifestation (dat boogyman usually needs at least 15 seconds to "get his shit together" before making a full appearance — which usually does not reflect his true form), smack his ass down with a piece of iron (like a fireplace poker or a cast iron skillet). Iron and silver are both tried and true "etheric disruptors" which you can use to fuck dat boogyman up!

5.) SECURE A TALISMAN: Nothing fancy, just a silver necklace or a piece of smokey quartz is sufficient. All you need is something with recognized protective powers to keep on your person for the duration of the exorcism procedure. The purpose of a talisman is to dissuade attempts at spiritual assault, parasitism, or possession. If you are wearing silver jewelry and have a smokey quartz crystal in your pocket, very few negative spirits would be ballsy enough to fuck with you, as they tend to wither at the touch of such objects. If you are unable to secure silver or smoke quartz, other items will work in a pinch. A piece of cold iron is excellent in such a capacity — simply drop an antique nail in your pocket, or a small piece of decorative wrought iron (like a drawer handle or a plant hanger hook). If nothing else can be found, a religious pendant could be worn if it gives you piece of mind. The placebo effect of such items has proven quite empowering.

6.) MAKIN’ A RACKET: Simply clapping your hands together sharply is enough to scatter minor disruptive energies. Spirits and entities are best driven off by ringing a big heavy bell for a coupla minutes — they fucking hate that shit! The Chinese are fond of gongs and firecrackers for this purpose. I like to load up a Colt .357 with my special handloaded blanks (a hefty powder load topped off with a pinch of iron filings) and light that boogyman up!!! For serious contamination, I’ll empty a speedloader in every room. Scares the bejeezus outta the neighbors! (RWT Note: Our Spiritual Advisor is not suggesting that you actually fire off blank cartridges inside a dwelling — if you do this in a residential area, you can reasonably expect a visit from the local SWAT team!)

7.) FUMIGATION: Also known as "smudging," this entails nothing more than burning a smudge stick (obtainable from any "New-Age" type establishment) made primarily of either sage or cedar, and allowing the fragrant smoke to fill the rooms. Be advised: you will need to disconnect all of your smoke detectors prior to fumigation! Be further advised: smouldering smudge sticks present a clear fire hazard! They must be burned on (or over) a large fireproof surface (such as a plate), a fire extinguisher and bucket of water should be close at hand, care should be taken to trod upon any dropping embers, and when the fumigation is complete the smudge stick should be immersed in water, as an ember can smoulder unseen within it’s core for hours after it apparently had been "extinguished." Think of this procedure as a "bug bomb fer boogymen!" It works extremely well.

8.) THE FORMAL EVICTION: Once you have secured a protective talisman, rung a loud bell, and smudged the abode in its entirety, you need to tell dat boogyman — in no uncertain terms — to get the fuck out. I am not going to give you any "magic words" for this procedure, like "The power of Christ compels you," because, quite frankly, there aren't any! You’ll need to make this up as you go along — just keep it short, be specific, and mean what you say. If you start babbling, do not state your intent clearly, do this half-assed, or act in a timid manner, a pissed-off boogyman will see that you aren’t really serious, and will know that he will then be free to resume his antics at a later date. You need to tell him that he is unwelcome and command him to leave — never to return! Keep in mind that many negative entities are attracted to certain homes due to the fact that the residents are fond of engaging in negative behaviors (i.e., loud arguments, domestic violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, perverted sex acts, etc.), and if these acts continue, then the negativity will be sure to return. Furthermore, the residents must promise to make no future attempt to contact spirits in that house — even a seemingly innocent statement such as, "I kinda thought it was cool to be living in a haunted house," can be enough to compel the entity to return.

9.) ABSORPTION: Most exorcists recommend that this be done immediately after the cleaning process (# 1). You can use one method at the beginning of the exorcism procedure and another method at the conclusion, if you wish. There are many ways to absorb remnants of negative energy, and I will list a few of the simplest methods here.

a.) Onions: Obtain several onions, twice as many plates, and a big sharp knife. Slice each of the onions in half. Place a plate with half an onion in each of the affected areas.

b.) Garlic: Obtain several heads of garlic. Separate them into their individual "cloves," and cut each clove in half. Scatter these pieces across the floor, aiming for the corners of each room.

c.) Salt: Obtain a large container of sea salt. Dump some in your hand and scatter it about. Leave a small pile (about an inch high) in each of the corners.

Each of the aforementioned methods will absorb large amounts of negative energy. Allow the absorbers to sit undisturbed for at least two hours before cleaning them up and disposing of them in the trash. Use a broom and dustpan for this. Don’t use a vacuum cleaner (unless you want it to become cursed). Now that all of the negative residue has been removed from the cleansed and purified house, the boogyman will have nothing to lock onto. In effect, you have booted his ass out into the street and tossed all his belongings in the garbage can! He now has no incentive to return.

10.) WARDS: Now that the house is "boogyman free," it is strongly advised that you put up barriers to impede any attempt at reentry. Experienced practitioners of various magickal disciplines use the force of their concentrated Will to create these barriers on the astral plane. Such barriers may take the form of: crosses, pentacles, runes, exotic sigils, or mirrored shields. A powerful and dedicated practitioner may even create an animated "guardian thoughtform" who will rip the living shit out of inquisitive boogymen like a pissed-off Pit Bull. You, however, are probably a muggle (non-magickal person), and cannot reasonably be expected to accomplish such things with any expectancy of success. Fortunately, there are things which the uninitiated can do, here on the physical, which will work quite well at repelling negative energy. A few of the simplest methods are listed here.

a.) Mirrors: The Chinese like to place small mirrors about their dwellings to repel evil spirits. Full-sized mirrors hanging on the walls work even better. The reason for this is twofold. First, mirrors reflect energy. They create, in effect, a "beam of disruption" which will blow lesser spirits right through the opposite wall, and interfere with the free movement of greater negative entities, who will need to avoid passing through their area of effect. Secondly, if a negative spirit (or a nosy "remote viewer") happens to gaze into a mirror, it will create a disruptive effect referred to as "astral feedback," which usually will result in their being immediately and violently "snapped back" to their point of origin. Powerful demonic entities love to smash mirrors.

b.) Cold Iron: Iron is boogyman repellant — they wither at its touch, and will avoid it at all costs. I advise you to obtain a number of cast iron tools and wrought iron decorations (candlesticks, sconces, hooks, latches, hinges, planters, doorstops, shelving brackets, fireplace fixtures, tools, skillets, sculptures, etc.), and place them throughout your home. This creates a veritable "obstacle course" for the boogyman! Be sure to put an iron decoration (knocker, hook, or horseshoe) on the front and back doors. If you can obtain a handful of antique iron nails, hammer one into each corner of your bedroom and livingroom. Be sure to place an iron object in your basement, attic, and each of your bathrooms as well.

c.) Smokey Quartz: Smoke quartz is a crystal with well-known and deeply respected protective qualities. Go into one of the better New-Age establishments, a lapidary shop, or a rockhound convention to pick up the best pieces you can find. Some New-Age places like to peddle smooth tumbled pebbles for about a dollar each — they are better than nothing, but you do not want these. Get yourself a few multi-faceted crystals with a flat base and a pointed tip — the darker the better. For a chipped and flawed crystal about an inch wide and two inches tall, expect to pay ten bucks. A nearly flawless crystal twice this size can cost about fifty dollars. Unless you intend to use your crystal for healing or scrying, a misshapen piece with chips and occlusions will work fine. Smoke quartz radiates a protective field which repels negative energies. Be sure to keep a piece in your car.

CONCLUSION: So there you have it — "Exorcism 4 Dummies." These techniques are the same as those utilized by occultists throughout the world, and difficult (or questionable) methods like incantations, prayers, visualizations, or focused energy have been omitted for ease of facilitation. If there actually is an "evil spirit" that has wrongfully attached himself to a particular residence, this highly effective procedure will boot him the fuck out. If, instead, you are dealing with a pathetic mental case who is suffering from delusions of supernatural persecution combined with hallucinations, this semi-hypnotic ritual will: show him that you are acknowledging the validity of his world-view; put him at ease that something is actually being done to help him; and will most likely result in a drastic improvement (if not complete recovery) of his condition. As stated previously, this essay has been provided for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to diagnose or treat any sort of perceived mental illness (which, as we all know, can only be treated through the ingestion of toxic chemicals, the use of electroshock paddles, isolation from society, and years of psychotherapy).

For additional information, I recommend the following texts (in order listed):

Arcane Lore, by Scribe 27

Practical Psychic Self-Defense, by Robert Bruce,

Shouting at the Wolf, by Anderson Reed, and