NOTE

This section is intended to be humorous. If you lack a sense of humor, you are advised to skip this section altogether.

1.) DO NOT RUN FROM THE PO-LICE: Especially if you figure there’s a pretty good chance you’re just going to get caught anyway, running from the police is generally a very bad idea — it pisses them off, will accumulate additional charges (especially if an officer injures himself while chasing you), and will virtually guarantee you an off-camera ass-whuppin’ (complete with Tasers and pepperspray). Unless you honestly believe that you have a high probability of actually making a clean getaway (without being identified), it appears that one’s most reasonable course of action would simply be to accept the fact that one is under arrest, and not to do anything that could possibly be misconstrued as "resistance.".

2.) KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT: Too many perpetrators seem to develop "diarrhea of the mouth" immediately upon apprehension. Adrenaline (combined with whatever else happens to be in their bloodstream), along with the usually erroneous belief that they’ll be able to placate or befuddle the arresting officer through "fast-talking" him, compels them to make contradictory statements, usually incriminating themselves (if not others as well). If you’ve done something wrong, and don’t know what to say, simply deny everything and demand to speak with an attorney immediately — or say nothing at all . . . remember, "you have the right to remain silent!"

3.) BE SURE TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION: The vast majority of the televised perpetrators look like "Joe Shit the Ragman." How do you think the average middle-class law-enforcement officer (as well as the average middle-class television viewer) would perceive some unwashed, unshaven, and ill-kempt miscreant incapable of forming complete sentences? The lesson to be learned from this is that one should always strive to look one’s best — even whilst committing crimes — and if you’re caught you need to be cool and articulate. Cops and viewers alike have no pity for blubbering dirtbags, only a disturbing combination of amusement and contempt.

4.) KEEP YOUR SHIT SQUARED AWAY: If the police are going to be traipsing through your abode, or emptying out the contents of your vehicle (all for the amusement of the television audience), don’t you think it would be a good idea to present a squared away appearance? What do you think people’s impression of you will be once they’ve seen overflowing wastebaskets, piles of dirty laundry on the floor, stacks of dirty dishes in the sink, and a nearly empty refrigerator (baking soda and ice cubes do not count)? What will the officer think of you when he shines his light in the backseat to reveal mounds of fast food wrappers, dirty tissues, and empty beer cans? Please, if you must commit crimes, don’t embarrass yourself by being officially noted as an indolent slob. Furthermore, keep all contraband (as well as "questionable" or "suspicious" items) out of sight — you’d be amazed how many imbeciles have been arrested based solely upon the fact that an unlawful item was lying in plain view!

5.) NEVER CONSENT TO A SEARCH: If you have contraband on your person, or in your vehicle or abode, it would be incredibly stupid to waive your 4^th amendment rights simply because the policeman sneered "What’ve you got to hide?" What do these idiots think, that after allowing the nice policeman to "take a quick look around," he’ll overlook the ill-concealed contraband and simply let them go? Or maybe they think that since they "consented" to a search, the cop will believe that they truly had no idea that contraband was in the vehicle? Perhaps they mistakenly believe that the police will simply confiscate the illegal material and let them go with a mere warning? The fact remains that if you are in possession of contraband, you will most likely be charged for it; and if you consent to a search (regardless as to whether or not said "consent" was obtained through coercion or deception) the evidence cannot be dismissed as having been unlawfully seized. Remember, the cop can take a "quick look" simply by shining his flashlight around — what he is asking you for permission to do is an intrusive search which can last upwards of half an hour (think: luggage and/or shopping bags being dumped out by the side of the road, if the officer either happens to be in a foul mood, or thinks you "fit the profile" of being a drug user or gang member) — and there’s no "changing your mind" once a search is underway . . . "once given, consent cannot be withdrawn" (unless you can afford to pay about $20,000 in legal fees).

6.) NEVER TRUST A COP’S PROMISE: Most cops will say anything in order to get a perpetrator to incriminate himself — after all, it’s not against the law to tell lies to a criminal! Commonly heard lies include: "You’re not in any trouble," "We know what you did," "Your friend already told us everything — and he said it was all your idea," "Once we clear up this misunderstanding you’ll be free to go," I only want to take a quick look inside — just to make sure everything’s alright," and our personal favorite, "Who, me? No, I’m not a cop!" Just because a policeman tells you something doesn’t make it true.

7.) THE POLICE ARE HIGH-TECH: All cops have radios which enable them to call for backup or set up roadblocks, and furthermore, even rural police departments now have access to: helicopter surveillance, infrared heat detectors, nightvision optics, portable computers, video cameras with zoom lenses, and special evidence collection tools. This is in addition to their K-9 units, SWAT teams, and newfangled array of bizarre "non-lethal" weaponry. Once they’ve got a bead on you, you ain’t gettin’ away — and when they finally catch up to you, they’re gonna kick your monkey ass good.

8.) THE POLICE WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED: If you make threats of violence, or happen to barricade yourself in a building with a gun, the police are not suddenly going to decide to back off and wait until you’ve had time to "cool down." Instead, they’re going to call for five times as much backup as they need and switch into overkill mode. It is incredibly stupid to threaten the police — especially if you’re bluffing. Doing so gives them full legal justification to employ "any force necessary" to effect the apprehension.

9.) DON’T RAT PEOPLE OUT: Nobody respects an informant — least of all the officers who work with them. Not only will you be widely despised and held in great contempt by all (police, accomplices, and television viewers alike), but you’ll still probably end up going to jail anyway . . . where fellow inmates will already know what you did (yes, criminals do read the newspaper). Even if, for whatever reason, the incident doesn’t appear on the evening news, inmates known as "trustees" often have access to confidential information (particularly those working as office maintenance or clerical staff), and correctional officers (often having great loathing and contempt for "snitches") have also been known to let the fact slip that a new inmate "had co-operated with authorities." Don’t fool yourself into believing that no-one will ever find out your dirty little secret.