The Warrior is not a scumbag, dirtbag, shitheel, turdbird, or scrub. If your home (house, apartment, boat, RV, trailer, shack, or whatever) is an unsanitary hovel that smells bad and looks worse, then you are no "Warrior" — regardless of how many weapons you may own or your presumed level of "mastery" in the martial arts. No, if you live in a shithole, that is physical proof that you do not have your shit together! If you cannot even master the basics of keeping a clean house, how the fuck can you reasonably expect to achieve any significant degree of mastery over any other aspect of your life? If the place that you come home to is not orderly and squared-away, it will affect the way you feel, act, and look in a negative manner.

This section is going to be kept brief. The topics of personal appearance, hygiene, responsibility, and procrastination have been addressed elsewhere at this site, and shall not be repeated here. You should already know that a Warrior does not procrastinate, knows the importance of a squared-away appearance, and appreciates the value of knowing exactly where certain critical items are kept. Furthermore, you should know that squalor is an indication of immaturity, apathy, despair, and self-hatred — all disgusting weaknesses which tend to indicate freakish proclivities. Finally, an unsanitary abode is a breeding ground for bacteria, mold, insects, and vermin — any of which could adversely affect one’s health. Instead of lecturing you on why one’s abode should always be clean and presentable, this section will simply provide a few suggestions about how to go about doing so.

1.) OBTAIN THE PROPER TOOLS: You will need to obtain the best quality tools available. If you cheap out and buy imported garbage from Wal-Mart, you will not be able to do as good of a job. A list of the bare necessities follow:

1A.) BROOM: It is recommended that you get a quality straw-bristle broom with a solid wooden handle. Straw bristles have more "spring" to them, and will stay clean longer. The wooden handle feels more substantial, and can double as a weapon. Inferior brooms have synthetic bristles, which both split at the ends and accumulate static electricity, resulting in the broom becoming filthy and unusable in short order. Inferior brooms also have insubstantial hollow aluminum handles with paint that flakes off, or hollow plastic which breaks easily. Remember that you get what you pay for!

1B.) DUSTPAN: It is recommended that you get a "bucket-style" industrial dustpan, which will hold more debris, will not spill, and can be carried and dumped via its long metal handle. A small metal dustpan with a straw wisk brush can be utilized for small spills. Don’t cheap out and buy a plastic dustpan with attached synthetic bristle brush!

1C.) SWIFFER WET & DRY CLEANING SYSTEM: Granted, this is not the greatest product, but it works fairly well within its limitations. After sweeping through with a proper broom, a Swiffer dry pad can be utilized an hour later to pick up any previously airborne dust and fibers which will have settled back on the floor. The Swiffer wet pad can be utilized to spot clean small areas. Neither the wet nor dry systems are suitable for cleaning large areas, and the disposable pads must be discarded immediately after use. Do not waste your money on the Swiffer "Wet-Jet," as it is an inferior product (although still better than similar products put out by other companies).

1D.) MOP & BUCKET: For serious cleaning, you want to obtain a proper string mop with an industrial wheeled mop bucket and lever-powered wringer. A top quality sponge mop will work for light jobs, but expect to replace the entire mop unit every month, as they are not very durable. Whether you obtain a string or sponge mop, be sure to get extra mopheads or sponge refills, as they get filthy quick. Do not buy a rag mop, twist mop, scrubby mop, or similar inadequate product, as they are nothing but a waste of money. Utilize Lysol anti-bacterial cleaner in extremely hot water for simple cleaning. Murphy’s Oil Soap is good for wood floors, and Future is a superior acrylic floor finish for linoleum. Utilize a dilute bleach solution for decontamination of areas exposed to biohazardous waste (i.e., blood pools, vomit, overflowing toilet, etc.).

1E.) VACUUM CLEANER: If you cheap out and buy a "Dust Devil," or similar piece of low-priced garbage, you will regret it. Similarly, there is no real need to spend nearly a thousand dollars on a precision engineered Kirby. Your best bet is to spend about $150 on a bagless Hoover Windtunnel with HEPA filter. Bagless vacuums are the best for ease of use, and the HEPA filter prevents mold, allergens, and bacteria from spraying out the exhaust. Use an industrial Shop-Vac for the really big jobs. Do not waste your money on rechargeable hand vacuums that do not work.

1F.) STEAM CLEANER: You will need to steam clean your carpets every month if you have pets, every three months otherwise. Cheap steam cleaners are inadequate, and the good ones are too expensive for the average budget. Fortunately, many supermarkets rent out steamcleaners for about twenty bucks a night, plus the price of chemicals. Even if you vacuum every day, you’ll be amazed at the amount of dirt these things pick up!

1G.) WASTEBASKETS: This is not, technically, a "tool," but it is not a "cleaning product" either so it has been included at the end of this category. A small inexpensive wastebasket should be present in every room of your abode — that way, even the laziest motherfucker who drops by will have no excuse to leave his refuse on the table or the floor. Use plastic grocery bags as liners to keep your wastebaskets sanitary and easy to empty. If you want to be efficient, leave a spare liner in the bottom of the wastebasket so it can be replaced immediately, and so you always know that you have an extra handy.

2.) OBTAIN QUALITY CLEANING PRODUCTS: With rare exceptions, you cannot cheap out on cleaning products either. Examples follow:

2A.) PAPER TOWELS: Get a combination of top quality and discount priced paper towels. The top quality ones are thicker, more absorbent, and less likely to tear. These are best for sopping up large spills, and cleaning areas like the toilet, oven, and underneath the crisper bins in the refrigerator. The cheap ones are good for everyday use, like stovetops, countertops, surfaces of appliances, and glass.

2B.) SWIFFER SHEETS: These are great for everyday dusting. Unlike a feather duster, they will not scatter dust around, and they are quicker and easier than using a rag sprayed with furniture polish.

2C.) SCRUBBERS & SCRAPERS: For tough jobs (grease, soap scum, etc.), you will need tough tools, ‘cause sometimes paper towels just won’t cut it. I recommend the use of SOS steel wool soap pads for the toughest jobs. Although they may scratch some surfaces, they usually won’t damage anything in your kitchen or bathroom. A hard plastic pan scraper will help pick up things the steel wool is having trouble with. Do not waste your money on "scrubby sponges," scouring pads, or plastic mesh scrubbers, as they do not work for shit.

2D.) GLASS CLEANER: You can cheap out and buy the store brand — as long as it contains ammonia. Glass cleaners lacking this essential ingredient will leave streaks.

2E.) ORANGE CLEAN: A good quality all-purpose cleaner with antibacterial and grease cutting properties. It leaves a fresh citrus scent. Cleaners with orange oil are popular now, but they are not all created equal.

2F.) SIMPLE GREEN: An excellent non-toxic natural cleaner to be used in the kitchen for the cleaning of surfaces where food is stored or prepared. Use it to clean the inside of your refrigerator.

2G.) FEBREZE: This is an enzymatic fabric refresher suitable for being sprayed on upholstery, drapes, curtains, quilts, and rugs in between cleanings.

2H.) CARPET FRESH NO-VACUUM FOAM: This stuff can be sprayed onto a carpet anytime after vacuuming. Do not use the powder, as it is an inferior product.

3.) HELPFUL TIPS:

3A.) SWEEPING: Believe it or not, there are actually so-called men out there who do not know how to sweep a floor! I shit you not. Any Drill Instructor will attest to the fact that, in every training evolution there is always at least one monkey who cannot figure out how to make a fucking broom work. Simple shit — instead of flinging clouds of dirt into the air from a variety of directions, just push the dirt along until it forms a small pile. Start at the edges and corners of each wall and slowly build the piles up as you progress towards the center of the room. Instead of accumulating one huge pile, make several smaller piles, then pick them up with a dustpan and gently pour the debris into a trash receptacle (so as not to make a dust cloud).

3B.) REGULARITY: If you wait until things are noticeably dirty before you clean them, that is too long. Regular cleaning will prevent grime from building up, and will actually make your job far easier. Wouldn’t you much rather do a two minute surface clean with a paper towel than waste over ten minutes scrubbing down the same surface with steel wool? Regularly surface cleaning all visible areas will ensure that your abode is always presentable, whereas neglect and procrastination just results in a lot of additional work.

3C.) DANGER ZONES: Certain areas are often overlooked, which can result in illness through contamination. Countertops should not be used for food preparation — especially tile countertops, as the grout retains dangerous bacteria and is impossible to clean thoroughly. If you are cursed with tile countertops, or worn out butcherblock, replace them with a smooth, durable, non-porous surface. Polished marble is best, but a number of adequate substitutes can be found at your local building supply store. Use a paper towel sprayed with glass cleaner to wipe down all the lightswitches and doorknobs once a week. Clean the blades of the can opener and blender every time you use them — otherwise, you could become very ill. Clean your coffeemaker with damp paper towels every time you use it, and run a pint of vinegar through it every three weeks, replacing the entire unit every year. Toothbrushes should be cleaned with either ethyl alcohol or boiling water twice a week, and replaced monthly.

3D.) THE REFRIGERATOR: Once a week, go through everything in the refrigerator and freezer, tossing out anything which is out of date, nearly empty, or has not been used in a month. Remove the crisper bins, being sure to clean them out, as well as the area underneath them, as these areas accumulate condensation, which breeds mold and bacteria. Remove everything from the shelves and racks, so you can wipe them down with a paper towel sprayed with Simple Green.

3E.) THE BATHROOM: The bathroom needs to be cleaned at least twice a week, with intermittent surface cleaning in the meantime. Be sure to clean hard to reach areas, like behind the toilet tank and underneath the sink basin. To clean a bathroom properly, expect to go through well over half a roll of paper towels.

3F.) THE LAUNDRY ROOM: Be sure to empty out the lint trap after every other load of laundry, as to neglect this duty is to create a serious fire hazard.