1.) THE BURGER is the King of all sandwiches!

2.) THOU SHALT NOT patronize those establishments which purport to serve thy King, but instead perform a MOCKERY of His great work, for this is a crime most foul.

3.) THOU SHALT NOT purchase pre-formed frozen beef patties — EVER!!!

4.) THOU SHALT NOT procure inferior meats with which to form the likeness of thy King! Only freshly ground sirloin and lamb, or vacuum sealed portions of ground buffalo, are fit for this great endeavor.

5.) THOU SHALT NOT obtain mass-produced, white-bread, pseudo-hamburger-buns, as this is an unpardonable offense! Use only freshly baked rolls — preferably Kaiser rolls with sesame seeds.

6.) THOU SHALT NOT offer up slices of "American processed cheese-food product," as this substance is a dastardly crime against nature! Only sliced Havarti, Gouda, muenster, sharp cheddar, Swiss, or provolone is worthy to crown thy King.

7.) THOU SHALT NOT be distracted from thy sacred task! Woe be unto him who doth serveth up a raw, dry, or blackened likeness of the King! Such unworthy likenesses must be tossed to the dogs!

8.) THOU SHALT provide a vast array of sauces, condiments, and freshly chopped vegetables with which to anoint thy King. Such anointments must always include: Hellman’s Real Mayonnaise, Marie’s Thousand Island dressing, slices of homegrown tomato, diced raw onion, and at least two different types of sliced pickle.

9.) HEINZ original ketchup in the plastic squeeze bottle is thy One True Ketchup! Thou shalt have no other ketchups before thee!!!